Reason

Now that we've got introductions over and done with, I want to explain to you properly about why I'm writing this blog.

Depression.

It decided to creep it's way into my life and grip hold of me like a blood-sucking leech, and I just can't shake it off.

I know it's been with me for a while, but I just...ignored it. I thought I could combat it by just pretending that it wasn't there, that eventually it would just disappear into nothing.
How very wrong I was.

I know a lot of people who suffer with it, but that doesn't really make it any easier. I think because everyone's journey and experiences are so different, that so are the solutions in dealing with it.

At first, I thought I was just bat shit crazy. No joke. I convinced myself that I was going mad. Then after a complete meltdown at work over a 3in1 tip, I realised that it was just anxiety and depression finally slamming it's hammer down and sentencing me to a lifetime of misery.
Well...that's how it felt at the time. It felt like that was the end. It felt like I had no where to turn and no where to go as I couldn't see a way of fixing myself. I felt broken. It was the first time in my life that I didn't know myself and that terrified me.

Sometimes, I would look in the mirror and I didn't even recognise the person staring back at me. She had no emotion behind the eyes. She was empty.

Nothing in my life was bringing me joy, either. Everything seemed like SUCH effort. This included simple things like getting out of bed and washing my hair. Everything and everyone was getting on my nerves. I was jealous of all of my friends as I felt that they had this amazing life that I constantly craved. I felt invisible at work and became sick and tired of trying to prove to my employers that I can do my job that actually, I'm really good at.

This hatred of everything included my wedding planning, which most people would absolutely love, and yet, I found I fucking hated it.
And then, I felt guilty for fucking hating it...and I felt that if I told anyone this, they would judge me severely.

"How lucky are you to stress about planning a wedding?"

A lot of people would love to be planning a wedding and would even kill for simply finding "the one", which I seemed to do very, very easily. I am very aware how lucky I am to have found someone so perfect without really trying.

And yet, here I am...trying to do everything in my power to avoid planning my wedding to "Mr. Perfect".

It was hard. And finally admitting all of that to everyone was even harder. But when I did, I felt a rush of relief.
This was the first step.

After this, I realised that it was time I got professional help. I was officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I was signed off of work for 5 weeks, and I referred myself onto Talking Space, which is a service the NHS offer to help people who suffer with their mental health.
I was also put on anti-depressants to give me that extra "happy boost".

I'm back at work now, part time. I go back full time in the new year, which I'm hoping I can do. I've learned a lot about myself these past couple of months. Re-reading my old blog also made me realise that it's clearly something that I've been suffering with for a very, very long time. This is why I'm hoping that this blog can help me like it obviously used to do, as I'm still getting used to actually talking to people about it.

I'm off work today. I've been ill these past few days and I just couldn't face it. After calling in sick, I had this sudden feeling that everyone at work hated me. I messaged Gill and Rachael and the way I interpreted their responses were cold. The feelings of being a disappointment and a burdan came over me like a wave. A wave that then turned into a tsunami. It drowned and destroyed me.
I turned my phone off and didn't turn it back on for a few hours, once I'd pulled myself together. I still feel like I don't want to talk to anyone and my responses back to them are cold and short. I know I shouldn't push them away, but the feeling that they don't want me around anyway is forever increasing.

I feel that, eventually, everyone's just going to get fed up with me being this way. When people ask how I am, I don't want to say how I'm truly feeling as I don't want to sound like a broken record.  

"Oh look, it's Zoe again... Depressed as always"

It's just easier for everyone if I just say:

"I'm okay, how are you?" 

All in all though, I'm doing okay. I'm still learning and coming to terms with these thoughts and feelings that I have. I've learned that ignoring them just gives them more power, so I'm trying my best to deal with them as rationally as I can.

Trying my best is all I can do, right?

Heart, Zoe x