Done

I just LOVE being disappointed by every one in my life. It's just amazing.

I try to be there for everyone and keep everyone happy.

I guess they just forget to do the same for me, or they're just too busy with their own lives to give a shit about me. :)

Oh well.

I'm done.

Worthless

That is how I feel right at this very minute.

You can have consistent good days for a few weeks and then all of a sudden, something happens, and you feel like you're back to square one. Then those good days just vanish and it's like they never happened.

I used to be so sure of myself. I've never been particularly confident, but I always felt like I knew what I wanted and what I was about and where I was going. I would get nervous and doubt if I could do things, but there was still that glimmer of positivity that pushed me into achieving the things that I wanted.

Now? I doubt everything. I look in the mirror and I don't know myself anymore. My job and the people I work for have sucked every last bit of self-assurance that I had left. I can't even look at another job advertisement without feeling physically sick because a little voice is telling me:

"Don't even fucking bother looking because you can't do it. You can't do anything."

I know I need to get out of there. But knowing and actually doing something about it are two completely different things.

I currently feel like I've wasted the last 6 fucking years of my life. Yes, I've earned a qualification in the process and yes, I've met a couple of amazing friends...one friend in particular that has become my best, but other than that? The rest is just fucking bullshit.

I'm just so fucking tired.

Heart, Zoe x

Bedtime Story

I'm currently lying in bed writing this on my phone.
Back when I first had a blog, I could never lay in bed and do this. It's amazing. How technology has come along.

Anyway...

I just wanted to write something as I was lying in bed and thinking thoughts that I thought would be better in a blog, rather than keeping me awake. Then, I can get back to sleep.

I feel like I'm on a good path right now. I think I spent so long wishing 2017 to be over and 2018 to start, and now that it's here, I feel like I'm in a completely different head space than I was even a month ago. I don't want to say the cliché phrase "new year, new me", but there. I've said it. And to some degree, I think it's true.

Work's going well so far. I'm trying very hard not to let it take over my life. At the end of the day, I'm there to earn money to live and that is basically it, and that's what I have to keep reminding myself. I'm not living if all I'm thinking about is work. All of the other shit drama that comes with it is exactly that. It's shit. And I don't need shit in my life right now.

I've started to get back into yoga, which right now, I am absolutely loving. I actually look forward to doing it and I'm finding that it's really helping with my mind as well as my body.
By the end of this year, I want to be able to do the splits and do a headstand. That is my goal.

I'm getting back into wedding planning without stressing about it too much as well, which is definitely a positive thing, considering a couple of months ago I could barely contemplate anything wedding related.

I keep thinking back to October time last year when I first started to take action in getting help with my mental health, and Jesus...I was in a really, really bad place. At the time, you don't realise how much it affects EVERYTHING in your life. It's scary to think how dark of a place I was in.

I remember looking in the mirror and just crying because I didn't know who the fuck was staring back at me. This empty shell of a human who I think has always tried to push they're way through, and they'd finally succeeded and I was meeting them for the first time.

I hated them. I hated me.

I have 7 anti-depressents left. I don't know if the doctor will want to chat to me and review me before giving me more. I'm a bit worried if they don't give me more as I'm scared I'm just going to start going back to the dark place if I stop taking them... I don't want to rely on them, but at the same time, they're clearly helping me. I just hope I'm strong enough to eventually cope without them.

Anyway, that's kind of all I want to say. I'm going to try and sleep now.

Thanks for reading.

Heart, Zoe x

Crimbo Limbo

I bloody love Christmas.

The music, the films, the lights, the cosy nights in. The FOOD. Oh my God...the food.
The fact that you can get away with eating crisps and chocolate for dinner.

"Sausage rolls at 2am?"
"Sure, why not? It's Christmas so it's okay."

I didn't have to work between Christmas and new year this time. I luckily had enough holiday left to be able to book it all off, so I've been experiencing the Crimbo limbo at it's best. I've been staying up until about 2am and waking up at about 11am. I feel like a teenager again and it's been great.
We've been playing board games and doing a 2000 piece puzzle which is currently very unfinished on our dining table.

My anxiety has been okay as well. Christmas just puts everyone in a good mood, and I think it helps that everyone is off work as well as just me so I feel equal to everyone else. I don't have that guilt of doing nothing like I have when everyone else is working and I'm wrapped up in a cacoon in my bed.

It's new year's eve today. It's not my favourite celebration, but it's going to be a chilled and quiet one this year, which is exactly what I wanted.
I want to try and look forward to 2018 and put the shit stain that was 2017 in the past.
I mean...I'm getting married next year! It can't get more exciting than that.

Thanks for listening to nothing.

Heart, Zoe x

Reason

Now that we've got introductions over and done with, I want to explain to you properly about why I'm writing this blog.

Depression.

It decided to creep it's way into my life and grip hold of me like a blood-sucking leech, and I just can't shake it off.

I know it's been with me for a while, but I just...ignored it. I thought I could combat it by just pretending that it wasn't there, that eventually it would just disappear into nothing.
How very wrong I was.

I know a lot of people who suffer with it, but that doesn't really make it any easier. I think because everyone's journey and experiences are so different, that so are the solutions in dealing with it.

At first, I thought I was just bat shit crazy. No joke. I convinced myself that I was going mad. Then after a complete meltdown at work over a 3in1 tip, I realised that it was just anxiety and depression finally slamming it's hammer down and sentencing me to a lifetime of misery.
Well...that's how it felt at the time. It felt like that was the end. It felt like I had no where to turn and no where to go as I couldn't see a way of fixing myself. I felt broken. It was the first time in my life that I didn't know myself and that terrified me.

Sometimes, I would look in the mirror and I didn't even recognise the person staring back at me. She had no emotion behind the eyes. She was empty.

Nothing in my life was bringing me joy, either. Everything seemed like SUCH effort. This included simple things like getting out of bed and washing my hair. Everything and everyone was getting on my nerves. I was jealous of all of my friends as I felt that they had this amazing life that I constantly craved. I felt invisible at work and became sick and tired of trying to prove to my employers that I can do my job that actually, I'm really good at.

This hatred of everything included my wedding planning, which most people would absolutely love, and yet, I found I fucking hated it.
And then, I felt guilty for fucking hating it...and I felt that if I told anyone this, they would judge me severely.

"How lucky are you to stress about planning a wedding?"

A lot of people would love to be planning a wedding and would even kill for simply finding "the one", which I seemed to do very, very easily. I am very aware how lucky I am to have found someone so perfect without really trying.

And yet, here I am...trying to do everything in my power to avoid planning my wedding to "Mr. Perfect".

It was hard. And finally admitting all of that to everyone was even harder. But when I did, I felt a rush of relief.
This was the first step.

After this, I realised that it was time I got professional help. I was officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I was signed off of work for 5 weeks, and I referred myself onto Talking Space, which is a service the NHS offer to help people who suffer with their mental health.
I was also put on anti-depressants to give me that extra "happy boost".

I'm back at work now, part time. I go back full time in the new year, which I'm hoping I can do. I've learned a lot about myself these past couple of months. Re-reading my old blog also made me realise that it's clearly something that I've been suffering with for a very, very long time. This is why I'm hoping that this blog can help me like it obviously used to do, as I'm still getting used to actually talking to people about it.

I'm off work today. I've been ill these past few days and I just couldn't face it. After calling in sick, I had this sudden feeling that everyone at work hated me. I messaged Gill and Rachael and the way I interpreted their responses were cold. The feelings of being a disappointment and a burdan came over me like a wave. A wave that then turned into a tsunami. It drowned and destroyed me.
I turned my phone off and didn't turn it back on for a few hours, once I'd pulled myself together. I still feel like I don't want to talk to anyone and my responses back to them are cold and short. I know I shouldn't push them away, but the feeling that they don't want me around anyway is forever increasing.

I feel that, eventually, everyone's just going to get fed up with me being this way. When people ask how I am, I don't want to say how I'm truly feeling as I don't want to sound like a broken record.  

"Oh look, it's Zoe again... Depressed as always"

It's just easier for everyone if I just say:

"I'm okay, how are you?" 

All in all though, I'm doing okay. I'm still learning and coming to terms with these thoughts and feelings that I have. I've learned that ignoring them just gives them more power, so I'm trying my best to deal with them as rationally as I can.

Trying my best is all I can do, right?

Heart, Zoe x

The Beginning

So... Here I am again.

It's been a while since I last wrote a blog. My old blog lasted from 2008-2011 and I think I posted on it about 250 times.
I've been thinking about starting it up again for quite a while. I've missed having somewhere that I can just write anything down, whether it was good or bad or unimportant.

I decided to completely delete my previous one and start from scratch. Continuing on when my last post was about 6 years old just felt wrong. So much has changed since then and I just wanted a fresh start and be rid of the stories of my past. I'd rather them just be in my head, not in words on the internet for everyone to see.

So, what's changed?

Well...I bought a house with Jamie, my now fiance (side note: I hate that term). We plan on getting married in 9 months, which is crazy to think someone can have a baby in the same amount of time until I am "Mrs. Glen". I'm excited, but I am also scared. Scared for the attention to be on me for an entire day, but I'm going to have to get over that pretty quickly.

We have a cat. Her name is Willow. She is just like me when I was a teenager; grumpy, stressy and likes to sleep throughout the entire day. But she's my baby.

I'm a dental nurse. I have been for 5.5 years now. I get paid basically minimum wage for a job that I should be getting paid a lot more for. I could work in Aldi and get paid more. It's depressing, but it's convienient and stable and I've made a lot of friends since working there.

The purpose of this blog isn't to become a 'famous blogger' or show off my writing talents, because I can assure you that I am not a pro at this kind of thing.
The purpose of this blog is for personal reasons. It's to give me somewhere to spill my brain out into words, as I feel that this will help me on my self-journey. I don't expect anyone to read this other than myself, but of course, if you are reading this...then I hope it is vaguely interesting, and I hope you're ready.

So, strap in and hold tight, because this could be a bumpy ride.

Heart, Zoe x